Kelly Robertson

I made the choice tonight to stay at home instead of joining friends at a movie night. The excuse I gave was that I needed to work, and work was what I intended to do. Deadlines at the office and an exam next week mean I have lots of work!

Yet I here I sit in my bed, glass of wine on the bedside table feeling pretty lonely and sad. I heard at work today that my contract was being extended for another 6 months with a very good chance of going permanent. This is a huge deal for me! In my little world a congratulatory smile and hug would have been the best thing since sliced bread. I don’t want to post this news on Facebook or Twitter and then read random bored people’s congratulatory notes; I want “my person”, as Christina on Grey’s Anatomy would call them, to know. But who is that person? Who will jump for joy with me?

It is in this slightly sorry for myself mood that I sit and, as my mom would say, mope while I ponder friendship and relationships. I know quite a lot of people. I was involved in a lot, mainly sports related, while I was at varsity and worked as a waitress part-time. Since leaving Wits and starting work this group of acquaintances has reduced significantly. Even with this reduction in numbers I can still go out to the local hangouts and say hi to several people while on the way to the table of people I am meeting on that particular night. Yet my group of close friends in JHB has reduced even more significantly than the acquaintances!

Drifting in different directions, leaving the country or city, changing interests or finding a significant other can be given as reasons for this reduction. I start to wonder if I have not made a huge contribution to the reduction and the lack of a “person” in JHB. I have recently heard from several different sources that I am not the type of person to fall in love, that I am a heartbreaker and that I do not open myself to people. Have I been pushing people away without even realising it? Has my self centeredness lost me the chance to find new “people”?

I think to a certain extent, I have strengthened this protection around me even more over recent months to save me from being hurt. Living in a situation where I have to be as emotionally stable in my home life as possible and without the support of my best friend and my sister, both of whom I had come to rely on greatly over the last few years, I cannot afford to be hurt, I have to be strong enough to carry on my everyday life. I cannot fall apart emotionally as it will affect everything else. I don’t feel have someone in JHB anymore who will be willing to pick up the pieces and put me back together.

Writing this has got me thinking but certainly has not resolved my feelings. I am still pretty sad and wishing I had someone to celebrate with! But at the same time I have realised why I am feeling down. Maybe through the acknowledgement of my feelings, effort on my part and some positive thoughts on exactly what I am looking for I can come a little closer to finding “my person” in JHB.

A lot can happen in 2 weeks! Last week I bid sad yet excited farewell to Jo.  Jo is, as Christina would say on Grey’s Anatomy, “My Person”. While I am excited about Jo’s adventure I am also feeling a little lost. I know she is still around for the email chats we often have, but that personal interaction is gone. England is bloody far away!!!! And Jo’s personal interaction is irreplaceable! She definitely is one of a kind!

While the week long farewell party was happening I was also interviewing for jobs. Having resigned at the end of January I really needed to find something. If not for the money but for my own sanity… I interviewed for a job last Tuesday afternoon, was offered the job that afternoon and signed the contract 2 days later! And then I started this Monday. Working in the MIS department has a steep learning curve! While I am computer literate, I am not literate in the “Latin” that is used in this department. The programmes are different, the setup is different and even the office language is different! But I like a challenge and this is certainly one.

Last weekend was heavenly… Another amazing friend, Amy invited me to spend the weekend at a tented camp in a game reserve on the other side of Zeerust. The highlight of these weekends is always the mix of people that come together thanks to Amy and her parents. A vast array of life experience, opinions, and interests makes for very interesting conversations. The weekend was spent sleeping, reading, talking, EATING and lazing in the sun. It all made for a very relaxing weekend. Though putting my hand in my handbag and finding 2 frogs did raise the heart rate a little! Oh and we saw a few animals (buffalo, rhino, a huge heron, giraffe, impala, blesbok, warthog etc!)

This week has flown by. Starting work at a new company is like starting “big school”. Lots of people to meet, new things to lean, a building to find my way around and the canteen to locate… but unlike big school, this building has a bar!

I also had a debate to present as part of a group for my HR course. While preparing for the debate I realized how lucky I am to have a degree. Not just because of the actual theory I have been taught but mainly because during the course of getting my degree I have learnt to think and rationalise using various theories and research instead of just my personal opinion. One member of the team, while at a third year level as such, has not learnt this thinking skill. Every thought was personal and every critique was taken personally! Super frustrating!

2 weeks of my life documented and now for the next few weeks…..

Once you start working & living the dreams, disappointment just stands ready to pounce. You have studied & worked hard thinking you are prepared for the real world and that you may be needed. That there is a place out there for you to make your name/a difference/just do what you want to do. But sadly you are one of a million other people all at the same stage of their life. You start your first real job with big hopes and dreams and 6 months down the line when the learning curve levels off those same hopes and dreams come to taunt you and slap you in the face.

Two nights down in my new flat. A huge thank you to all those who helped with the packing up of my old flat! I have unpacked my clothes, made my bed and put up my pictures. As usual my short attention span has meant that no more has been done. Unpacking is just not fun anymore. A new flat means new noises and a lot of other things to get used to.  I have decided that a new home means a new start. So, because of this and because change is just so fashionable, I have drawn up a list of things to do. Nothing on the list is too hard or impossible! A few include:

• finish unpacking
• get rid of the stuttering
• start the “get fit” process
• really start looking for a decent job
• get sorted for studying next year
• buy a desk

The 5th of December is my deadline for the tasks. Encouragement is welcome

So after much nagging from Richard, I am finally writing my first post. While having entertained the idea of having my own blog, I have never actually thought about what I would write on that blog. I am the person who has started a journal several times with the good intention of continuing the journal writing in the long term, but who gives up or loses interest after a few days. This blog I hope (with Richard’ s help) will keep my fluttering interest. At least I cannot lose this journal under my bed or a pile of clothes.

With this first post I hope to have broken the curse of my blogger’s block so that many more posts shall follow. Here is holding thumbs to many more posts.